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Jephthah was born out of marriage and cast into exile. When Israel became oppressed they came to him for help and he gave it to them in exchange for being made ruler of the Israelites. He promised god that the first person who came to greet him from his house would be sacrificed, if he succeeded in defeating Israel’s oppressors and he won, so he had his daughter sacrificed who had come to greet him from their house. The moral of this story is if your father comes home from a hard day at work, pretend like you don’t give a damn and you’ll probably live longer.

Samson was then born and became married to a Philistine woman. On the way to the wedding party he killed a lion with his bare hands, took some honey from its carcass and ate it. He gave the Philistines at the party a riddle to do with the lion and honey, so the Philistines threatened his wife into giving them the answer because they could not figure it out for themselves showing they weren’t exactly intelligent. Samson then had his revenge by killing thirty Philistines, taking their clothes and giving their clothes to the Philistines.

The Philistines killed Samson’s original wife and her family by burning their house down. Samson had his revenge by setting foxes on fire and letting them loose in their fields. They pursued him into a cleft where he surrendered to some Israelites and they put bonds on him and took him to the Philistines. When Samson arrived at the Philistines he broke free of his bonds, picked up the jaw bone of a donkey that was conveniently lying close by and killed one thousand of them with the jaw bone.